Rambling a bit

This world can be ugly...

But isn't it beautiful?

I admit it. I'm scared. Scared to the very core. I can't bring myself to enjoy, to do, to live, to love. And deep inside I feel like I can't like myself and therefore be liked by others. I feel like there's this dreadful part of me that everyone despices, even me; yet I can't find it and I can't get rid of it.
There's also this other little thing... I don't know whether I should want to delete parts of me. I've been trying for so long to be "accepted". I've never cared much about the fitting in, yet I've always tried to avoid rejection or mocking  by hiding and not taking sides, even when I should have... Because now I'm not to sure of who I am. I'm a bland mixture of undefined stuff, I adapt easily, that I must admit; but what's the point when I can't find myself in this huge ocean of thoughts that aren't always mine?
I used to pride myself for knowing exactly who I was, having a mind of my own and standing up for it. There's a place in my mind, buried under all that  "pleasing other people" bullshit, where I'm still that person.
I know that if I keep fighting, I'll find it again. I'll let myself be for once and for all, no strings attached, and that's when I'll let myself enjoy, do, live and l❤ve.